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Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Ugly Gal Valentine

I am the ugly kid who never got a Valentine. Seriously. I am ugly AF. The kind-hearted nerdy sassy gal that is fun to hang with but not attractive enough to date or to keep.

And here I am. With a Valentine.

Granted, it is only a "You are an awesome friend!" Valentine, but it is much, much better than what I ever had, which ranged from me asking for it to my toddler stepson that insisted: "Daddy, let's get something for her!"

It's a capitalism holiday, I told myself. Indonesian don't celebrate Valentine anyway. But it wasn't the holiday itself that I longed for. It was the feeling of appreciated, wanted, or even loved.

Low self confidence is not a physical trait. You can't see it with naked eyes. You might catch a glimpse in the nervous look or insecure quips, just barely visible. Yet inside, it chained the person down.

For me, it is the constant reminder from my society that I am not good enough. That I don't fit the mold. That I am a weird, a freak, an embarassment. Day in, day out, rejection all around.

The current me realized it was just their own insecurity, projected towards people who are different than standard. Giving themselves a false sense of security by dragging others down.

Still it hurts. Still it breaks me. Still I asked anyone who say I am attractive: "What do you want from me?" Because attractive me just doesn't sound right.

I have a slew of people who'll say I am wrong. And a handful who'll give me the "not again" eye roll. Which is why I started to accept the compliment as, well, compliment. 

See how greatly the words we say affect others? It can destroy others or it can build others. This is why it is important for us to think through our words before we speak it.

I am chubby. I am not fair-skinned. I don't have a regal face. I am not tall, nor petite. I am not rich. I don't have a fancy job. I am a non-standard standard Jane, that is unorthodox enough to be considered 'the wrong kind'.

But I got a Valentine this year. A solid proof at least one person thinks I am ok. I think. So you know what? Screw other people's insecure condescending criticism. I am good the way I am.

And yeah, do good things to others, and say encouraging things. Make somebody feel they are worth it. It helps. It really helps. Happy Valentine, lovelies.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Sexy Olympians And The Right To Violate

The sexy oily Tonga Olympian is back. Last time he made a splash I was all too eager on sharing his pic pretty much everywhere, with the not-so-subtle caption regarding his physique. This time, not so much.

The slew of sexual harassment claims throughout 2017 made me see the world in a new way: it sucks to be objectified. It sucks being looked as if you are an object without feelings, or that your merit in life is just your physique. 

So I stopped doing that. I stopped sharing sexy dude pics. I stopped following social media where the post is all about how hot and sexy some dudes are. I cringed at posts that imply sexual actions to hot dudes. I can't do it anymore.

For someone who is very sexual, it is hard. I like men. I am not going to deny it. If my face can betray what I was thinking I will be in a lot of trouble most of the times. I am known to speak very openly and sensually when I feel like to.

And why not? Don't they like it too? I am not unattractive. I know I can make their time worthwhile in the bedroom. And won't that boost their ego that this cute dame wanted them? And hey, they don't have to awkwardly ask for it. Yay!

This is wrong for two reasons: stereotyping and equality. I am stereotyping men as heartless sex craze who wants nothing but sexual favors. But some might feel a personal connection is more important. Some might want it to be special instead of slam-bam-thank-you-sir.

Equality, to put it bluntly: I don't want any of the women I know (or don't know) being put in their situation. To be publicly sexualized, to be stereotyped as "She wants it anyway", to be seen as nothing but an object to fulfill sexual desires.

For us women, I think the keyword is the phrase "It is inappropriate". It is inappropriate and unacceptable to show our sexual desires, so unladylike. Which is why we (I) see women who are more open sexually as 'badass'. They are a disgrace to some, but we adore them nonetheless.

I feel a surge of power by saying out loudly: "He's so hot I'd f*ck his brain out" or something similar. I feel I have power over someone by hitting on him hard and see him blushed. I feel great flirting with men, knowing I can please them in many ways.

In the end, it's all about power. About me feeling powerful over men. And why not? They have oppressed women for so long. They have been doing this since forever. Why can't I do it? Besides, they love it. It is fun. Stop taking it so hard. It's a game, not a dick.

But two wrong doesn't make a right. Well, three left does. By forcing myself on them, by dismissing what they might feel and preferred I have robbed their self-worth. "Here, you are nothing but a toy. Now let's play." How is this fun and comfortable?

"Men are just men," you might say in disgust. Well, some men think "Women are just women" in disgust too. It's not about gender. It's about respecting others. It's about not violating other people. It's about self-restriction and empathy. It's about being decent.

Read this note again from top to bottom, replacing the word 'men' with 'women' and vice versa. See how valid it is still? It's because we're all human. We deserve respect. We deserve to be treated decently. We have feelings and not just objects.

I know there are POS human everywhere, people who lacked empathy and brain and unable to develop any empathy of whatsoever. The same people who will cry out if the same things they did to others were done to them. We can't get rid of them, but we can choose to be NOT them. 

It's 2018. Technology has moved so forward that instead of laboring as a slave and dying from Black Plague we (most of us, at least) have the time to take a step back and think: "What would I feel if it happened to me? What would that person feel if I did it to him/her?"

Empathy is an art that needs to be learned and honed. Ignorance, on the other hand, is pre-installed and only grew stronger the more you, ah, ignore it. It doesn't hurt to be respectful of others, to think them as a person and not as an object. It's not easy, but it doesn't hurt.

Will I stay lewd and sassy? Yes. Yes, I will. I am a sexual being and I have urges. That doesn't give me the right to violate others, though. My gender doesn't give me the right to violate others as well. Nothing does. I will still be lewd and sassy, but now enlightened and a lot more respectful. 

Which means I will only be lewd and sassy to people who give consent, with people who give notions that they are up for the flirt. That will lower down my flirty events quite a notch, but I will live. There is no point in having fun at the expense of others. 

See? That wasn't so hard. Just kidding. It is totally worth it though. Human needs to be, and to feel, humanized. Men, can you do this? Women, can you do this? Everyone, let's do this. Trust me, it is so worth it.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

The Walls We Build

Another day is here
Another morning has come
The ray of light kissed me gently
and darkness present in the shadow

The world is still in misery
The anger and fear are still pronounced
The ignorance still very much reigned
The blind has not opened their eyes

Will human ever learn?
The clarity of mind and objectivity
The empathy of heart and love and kindness
The humbleness and self-realization

Will human ever know?
The true worth of oneself as well as others
The beauty that comes in every way
The real strength one can have inside

Still we fight and still we battle
Not other people, no not that
But ourselves and our insecurity
Our inability to grow and be better

Some of us are building walls
Thick walls towering high to the sky
Separate us from others that are not alike
For protection, or is it from fear?

Some of us are building walls
Strong round one with beautiful gate
Come hither those who are in need
Here you are welcome, here you'll be safe

Which walls are you building right now?
The one to assist or the one to expel?
The one out of love or the one out of fear?
The one opened wide or the one locked with chains?

And the Gods above look to us in sorrow
As we continue our crusade of 'truth'
As we murdered and hate each other
As we claimed we are better than the rest

Yet the Gods above also look to us in hope
For every open hand we offer to strangers
For every acceptance we give to people
For every respect we share with others

The walls of fear are rising high and it won't stop
Everyone inside can only see what they want to see
With the hate and blind madness strengthen it
It won't come down like the walls of Jericho

The walls of hope are slowly rising among the challenges
Everyone inside can see the inside and the outside
Forged with hard-to-earn trust, the progress is slow
Yet it will still be there even when the world ends

People are running in chaos and confusion
Looking for a safe place to go
With the darkness fell and obscure our vision
Robbing us of good judgment and the light inside

And thus, the walls are rising: fear and hope
Where to go, which to choose?
The tower of terror, or the citadel of faith
Tell me now, which walls do you help to build?

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