The worst, the absolute worst part of being divorced is losing my 'family'. Holiday season is coming up and I am facing the prospect, nay, fact, that I will pretty much spending it all by myself. Losing him was something I can deal with, losing my stepchildren was far, far worse. Let's face it, a dick is not that hard to find (pun intended); two precious kids that you have invest all your love and affection to since the beginning of the relationship, not so much.
To say I am angry will be a gross understatement. Here I am, hating every inch of the pumpkin-y witchy fall/Halloween décor that I can't escape from on pretty much every store that I went to. Even effing online stores. It reminds me too much of discussing with my stepkids what they'll be for Halloween, what's their plan and, afterwards, did they have a good loot this year. For the last two year I have been trying to get my stepson to experience DTLA Halloween party, and now we'll never will.
Soon Thanksgiving and Christmas will come. Of course, we all know holidays are such chores. All the money spent for gifts and travels, keeping an eye on them so they won't get caught up in unnecessary fights and dramas with their cousins (I have moral obligation to returned them to their moms in one piece, preferably with good memories), coaxing them to please just effing eat and stop playing, soothing them when they got sensory overload or just too tired to know better, and this is all only for a 4-hours family gathering. It sucks. It's tiring. And I will do that all over again just for the sake of hugging them tight and laugh with them.
Despite the fact that none of his family actually check up on me after all that had happened, I am also intimidated and hurt that I will spend the holidays by myself. I might be able to kidnap my boyfriend, but spending the holiday with just the two of us is different than the usual big ol' family gathering that I am used to, that I am made to use to ever since I came here to the US. I mean, what a grand idea: take a woman out from her family and homeland, made her get accustomed with your tradition, then toss her out when you get the itch for a college girl that you probably can't get into the US anyway. What could possibly go wrong?
Despite the fact that none of his family actually check up on me after all that had happened, I am also intimidated and hurt that I will spend the holidays by myself. I might be able to kidnap my boyfriend, but spending the holiday with just the two of us is different than the usual big ol' family gathering that I am used to, that I am made to use to ever since I came here to the US. I mean, what a grand idea: take a woman out from her family and homeland, made her get accustomed with your tradition, then toss her out when you get the itch for a college girl that you probably can't get into the US anyway. What could possibly go wrong?
I doubt that he actually thought about all this when he decided to pursue his 'happiness' with someone who 'doesn't treat him like an a-hole'. Well honey, the fact that my happiness and the kids' happiness got thrown under the bus just for your sake pretty much describe your a-holiness. What would you expect will happen with your wife and kids?
Of all the messages I found between him and his toy, the one that hurt me the most was the message: "I love your son". Really b*tch? 2-3 months of texting my husband without interacting with this kid even once and you 'love' him? Did you spend 1 ½ year of long distance relationship bracing the possibility that he will get back to one of the moms, and if he did it's ok because it will be better for the kid(s)? Did you sit in the car or wait outside, not even once setting foot on the moms' doorsteps out of respect for their privacy for the whole 3 years of marriage? Knowing you can, but you want to honor both the moms and the kids. Did you stay with this son when he was sick, or when he was being a pain in the butt but you still hug him close because he was your everything? Did you patiently explain to him how you will save him and his daddy in the event of fire, and ensure his tender heart that everything will be ok, that you will save the day for him; even though his dad just kicked you out of the house a few weeks back and turns out was cheating with a li'l b*tch? Did you stay awake for HOURS because he just. wont. sleep; but you suppress your urge to yell at him because you understand that it was only because he was uncomfortable about something? Because that's what 'Love' is. It's not just lipservice and adoring how cute the kids are. It's giving your best to someone else for the sake of their happiness. What happened to you is not important because their feeling, these kids' feeling, is more important. That's what 'Parent's love' is all about.
And the sad part is, all this rant won't get me anywhere. I have lost my stepchildren. I could ask the moms nicely for a Skype or a playdate if I missed them so terribly, but it won't be the same. With the divorce my right for them is pretty much non-existent. A friend pointed out that it means I can live my life without the hindrance of somebody else's kids; but that also means that they can live their life without me. And they will. I can no longer be a part of their life. A friend, perhaps; but not a stepmom anymore. Of all the things he took away from me, this was the cruelest.
Of all the messages I found between him and his toy, the one that hurt me the most was the message: "I love your son". Really b*tch? 2-3 months of texting my husband without interacting with this kid even once and you 'love' him? Did you spend 1 ½ year of long distance relationship bracing the possibility that he will get back to one of the moms, and if he did it's ok because it will be better for the kid(s)? Did you sit in the car or wait outside, not even once setting foot on the moms' doorsteps out of respect for their privacy for the whole 3 years of marriage? Knowing you can, but you want to honor both the moms and the kids. Did you stay with this son when he was sick, or when he was being a pain in the butt but you still hug him close because he was your everything? Did you patiently explain to him how you will save him and his daddy in the event of fire, and ensure his tender heart that everything will be ok, that you will save the day for him; even though his dad just kicked you out of the house a few weeks back and turns out was cheating with a li'l b*tch? Did you stay awake for HOURS because he just. wont. sleep; but you suppress your urge to yell at him because you understand that it was only because he was uncomfortable about something? Because that's what 'Love' is. It's not just lipservice and adoring how cute the kids are. It's giving your best to someone else for the sake of their happiness. What happened to you is not important because their feeling, these kids' feeling, is more important. That's what 'Parent's love' is all about.
And the sad part is, all this rant won't get me anywhere. I have lost my stepchildren. I could ask the moms nicely for a Skype or a playdate if I missed them so terribly, but it won't be the same. With the divorce my right for them is pretty much non-existent. A friend pointed out that it means I can live my life without the hindrance of somebody else's kids; but that also means that they can live their life without me. And they will. I can no longer be a part of their life. A friend, perhaps; but not a stepmom anymore. Of all the things he took away from me, this was the cruelest.
I missed them so much. TVs and online ads will be swamped with picture of happy kids and family for the holiday season, and here I am all by myself. How I longed to hold them in my arms again, to laugh with them and to tell silly jokes. How I longed for those little hands to touch my face or to feel their warmth as they sleep next to me. How I longed to hear them shyly told me, "I like you, Ibu" and that moment all your hardship, all the pain you went through, felt so worth it and you will do it all over again just to have a sliver of that blissful moment. But it was gone now, and these kids are irreplaceable. Even if I have another stepchildren it won't be the same. The love you have for a man can easily be replicate or substituted, but the love you have for your kids, even if it's not your birth-kids, is irreplaceable.
He told me to leave, so I left. He wanted this woman, so I left. I could stay for the sake of the kids, but I choose to leave. It was a cruel choice that I was forced to make: to stay with someone who doesn't love or respect me, or to leave for my own sake but lost my stepchildren forever. I made the choice, and the joy of holiday season and missed birthdays will forever haunt me. Stay well, little ones. Ibu will never forget you both.
He told me to leave, so I left. He wanted this woman, so I left. I could stay for the sake of the kids, but I choose to leave. It was a cruel choice that I was forced to make: to stay with someone who doesn't love or respect me, or to leave for my own sake but lost my stepchildren forever. I made the choice, and the joy of holiday season and missed birthdays will forever haunt me. Stay well, little ones. Ibu will never forget you both.
No comments:
Post a Comment